Happy Graduate Student Family Life

Posted by Juris Mater Categories: Uncategorized
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Enjoying a (free!) picnic/outdoor movie screening

In her comment on a recent post, KT wrote, “I was wondering if you would consider doing a post advising on, or asking for advice for families that operate on a low income due to a husband in grad/law/med school. We are about to embark on this journey and I would love some input on how families with kids make it work on such a small budget. Any tips, advice or encouragement would be greatly appreciated. I work part time now with a 2.5 y/o with the possibility of adding another baby in the summer, how do people do it? Thank you!”

Many of you are at least as qualified to discuss this as I am, so please share your own thoughts! I went straight from college to law school, and then my husband began his history PhD program immediately after I finished law school. My husband and I will have chalked up at least 9 consecutive years of graduate school when all is said and done. We’ve been a student family since we were married 6 years ago, and we have maintained a typical orthodox Catholic family growth rate throughout these years. We have relished the adventure. The simplicity, creativity and togetherness fostered by student family life have defined the earliest years of our family.

(1)   Themes: simplicity and creativity

Simplicity means we live in small spaces, which, practically-speaking, means we live with very few possessions. More possessions means more time and money spent maintaining them. I like the old saying “use it up, wear it out, make do, or do without.” We aren’t poorly clothed or unhygienic, and we don’t deprive ourselves of normal enjoyable experiences. But we do delay gratification. We don’t buy many “wants” (Starbucks, stand-up mixer, name brands, cool baby gear). We often wait on “needs” as well (new printer, winter jackets), praying, waiting, watching Craig’s List, listening and asking around to see if something comes along. Our needs are always met.

Creativity means we live super-well but in low-cost ways. We repurpose and multitask the things that we already have. Unused nice wedding gift towels are layered into moderately attractive room-darkening curtains. The few household objects that we already have spend their days as learning toys. None of these solutions work just right, but they’ll do for now. We don’t pay much for amusements ever. Instead, we look for local Italian street festivals, cheap choral or symphony performances at the university or historic churches, fruit orchards and pumpkin patches, outdoor movie screenings, picnics, bike rides to Dairy Queen (with coupons in hand), family movie nights at home, and many, many Sunday afternoon family parties with friends with plenty of good food and drink. For our annual family vacations, we wait and watch travel emails for specials until the perfect thing falls in our lap. We go somewhere within driving distance, where entertainment is exciting and also free (for example, Washington, DC’s free sights and museums; Virginia Beach on the boardwalk during beach festival season); we always squeeze into 1 bedroom suites (we’re pros at this); we make our own meals on vacation rather than eating out. We can’t do everything, but by exploring creative options, we end up trying better things that we may never have gotten around to if we could afford more expensive entertainment. And, of course, our favorite way to add new sparkle to our family life is by adding a baby! Graduate school in general is no reason to postpone children; student family living is all about making the most of the life right within our home.

(2)   Non-negotiable financial priorities: tithing and help

Ten percent of our sub-poverty-level income is set aside for tithe. This creates a perspective of “everything is God’s, and our money is His business, not ours.” I am super-frugal, borderline miserly, so I need this. Otherwise, I stew over every penny. Tithing for me means financial freedom. And, as so many others will attest, God FAR exceeds our generosity and blesses our faithfulness. For example, one year our massive tax refund covered an unexpected expense almost to the penny.

We set aside a second, variable chunk of money for hiring help. (For my philosophical reasons behind this decision, see our discussions here and here.) Sometimes this takes the form of daytime babysitting so I can bill hours for my part-time legal work. Often it is for a break for me, to go to Mass alone, pray, and run. And always, it is for my husband’s and my date nights. We go out together at least once a month, usually more, depending on our friends’ social calendars, our own occasions to celebrate, and local events. We always get young teenagers, because they are so cheap and diligent. We put our toddler to bed before the sitter arrives, get the older kids all bathed and fed (so that I don’t worry about drowning or choking), set up a new activity for them to do with the sitter, and they love it. When we’re eating out, with or without friends, we almost always use Restaurant.com (buy several online when they offer $25 gift certificates for $2) to get heavily-discounted meals at amazing restaurants, usually BYOBs.

(3)   Major expense categories

1. Food
   1. WIC—Federal Women, Infants, and Children Supplemental Nutrition Program; all pregnant and nursing mothers as well as children under 5 will qualify when their income is below a certain level (and all student families on a stipend will qualify!); we receive vouchers to use at the grocery store just like cash to buy vast amounts of free milk, cheese, eggs, tuna, natural peanut butter, beans, fresh fruit, whole grain bread, nutritious cereal, juice
   2. Planning
      1. Shop only from sales, coupons, and discount brands: I sit down every Sunday night for 2-3 hours with my running grocery list, a notebook, the weekly grocery store circulars, and coupons; I make a note of all the excellent prices on the things that I buy and how I can use coupons; I do not buy disgusting, poorly-made food—that is not necessary; from my notes, I plan meals for the next seven days, including breakfast, lunch and dinner; then, I make a grocery list for each store
      2. Planning a week ahead facilitates buying in bulk, and it avoids waste and last-minute inefficient use of ingredients; it also avoids multiple trips to the store which waste time and lead to overbuying; it also avoids ordering take-out
      3. Two personal planning tips: we always do some kind of home-made pizza for Friday dinner and a simple dinner like burgers and brats for Sunday so I can enjoy the Sabbath too
      4. I buy produce in bulk from a produce-only wholesaler; grocery store produce is too expensive and not fresh enough to last a week
   3. Shopping
      1. I shop from a list only, unless once I’m in the store I notice that things that I buy regularly are on clearance
      2. I shop alone on Monday nights between 8pm and 10:30pm when my husband is home and the kids are sleeping—shopping with kids is a recipe for disaster on every level
      3. I do not spend money on packaged junk food (like snack packs of Keebler cookies) or bottled water or those types of convenience items, even if they’re on sale, except for on long trips and for family movie nights
2. Clothes:
   1. Children: I almost never buy clothes for the children; most families have children’s clothes that they are not using, and they often are looking to clear out drawer space, especially when they know there is a grateful recipient. We make it known that we happily accept any and all hand-me-downs, and we get excellent quality clothes this way. My kids love the variety. Several of the other Builders have even generously passed along lovely clothing that their children were not using. Also, our families give the children some new items for gifts that we can’t get handed down.
   2. My clothing: I am more liberal in this category, because I think it’s important for mothers to look good for their own self-esteem, for their marriages, and for their children. I wait until I identify an item I need rather than just “going shopping”. Then, I usually shop for deeply-discounted fashionable clothes at TJ Maxx and for good quality staples at The Gap after combining sales and coupons.
   3. My husband’s professional clothing: we have found that this is an excellent gift request category; men’s clothing sizes are fairly predictable, and our moms and sisters have great taste, so my husband comes back from Christmas and birthday celebrations suited up for another year as a suave academic.
3. Medical
   1. My children qualify for state-funded insurance because of our income level; we have no co-pays and no medical expenses for them whatsoever; I also qualify when I am pregnant.
   2. For when mom is not pregnant, most states have a highly-subsidized state program for low income adults; ours is through Blue Cross.
   3. My husband’s medical insurance is free from his university.

(4) Support your Superstar: it is crucial to support your husband in his academic work. He should leave early in the morning and return for dinner, no earlier. There is a temptation with graduate student families for the husband to stick around the house helping because of the flexible deadlines and ambiguous schedule. This is the costliest lifestyle of all, because suddenly grad school has lasted a decade, the dissertation is incomplete, and funding has run out. Families of student-dads must treat graduate school as professionally as any other job and frequently express that they believe in what dad is doing.

I hope this post is helpful and not just a lot of boring details about my home management practices. God bless you current and soon-to-be student families, as well as all you other heroic families who serve us with your friendship and generosity!

Back to School Book

Posted by MaryAlice Categories: Education & Homeschool
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As you all know, my family will not be going “back” to school this year, since we homeschool, but we did take the summer off and we will be starting school again next week.  We have found it is easiest on the kids if we keep our schedule similar to that of the rest of America, since most of our friends and many of our activities are on a traditional school schedule.

To that end, we are finishing up our vacation with a stay at our family homestead in Northern New York and we visited the wonderful, tiny, village library yesterday, where we read this wonderful school themed book.  The “one hundred days of school” project is dear to my heart because my mother always did it with her class and because PT’s “one hundred pieces of pasta” poster was one of my favorite parts of his time at kindergarten.  This book has wonderful family themes and subtly deals with the complicated emotions of our little kinders, all while reviewing ordinal numbers.  This is such a great book that I am going to buy it so that we can enjoy it throughout the year.

Thoughts for Thursday (Red)

Posted by Right Said Red Categories: Thoughts for Thursday
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What am I cooking tonight?

Mandarin Chicken Salad. It looks delicious, doesn’t it? It’s quick and easy to make. I will post the recipe in the comments.

What am I reading? I just finished Anna Karenina and I’m heading to the library today to pick up a new book.  I’m leaning towards A Tale of Two Cities, as I haven’t read it since high school, but I’m up for alternative suggestions.

What are my weekend plans? I’m headed to the beach for a long weekend.  Unfortunately, it is just as much work to take my family for 4 days as it is for 7, so I’m spending the better part of today and tomorrow packing.  After the outer bands of Hurricane Earl clear the area on Friday, the forecast for the weekend looks very promising!

What are my prayer intentions for the day? For my husband, my time of packing, and for our family weekend away.

What is one product that is making my life a little easier? Organic baby yogurts by Stoneybrook Farms.  I love that I can just pop off the top and stir.  They are expensive, but really convenient when traveling or busy.

What am I grateful for? Hugs from my children.

What have I done for my marriage this week? Mr. Red and I went out to very good dinner last night, and we spent some really quality time talking about our relationship.

What’s challenging me lately? Feelings of insecurity about my relationships with other people.  While there is nothing I can do about this other than pray, I have unfortunately been reminded of that feeling on the middle school playground, you know the one where everyone is standing in a circle gabbing and you get the distinct sense that you aren’t welcome to walk over there.  

What is one task or project on my agenda for the week? After I return from the beach early next week, I would love to rid my dining room table of the various empty picture frames collecting there.  I plan to order new photos to fill some of these old frames, and to discard the frames we no longer need.  It seems something is always collecting on my dining room table.

Something that made me think? This article on dying in the United States.  I am blessed to have witnessed the last days of my grandfather’s life, a man who died in his own bedroom surrounded by family.  My grandfather was a man of faith, who taught us all how to live and how to die.  His last days stand in stark contrast to what the author of the article describes.  I realize there are many reasons why so many Americans head to a hospital to die, among them a lack of faith and a cultural fear of death, but I am concerned about a general trend towards institutionalization in all areas of life.  We birth our babies in an institution, we raise our young children in institutionalized settings, we send our older children into institutionalized educational systems, and so why should how we die be any different?  Often in opting out we really live, and perhaps it is also how we should die.

For College Football Fans

Posted by B-Mama Categories: Miscellaneous, Politics and Current Events
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Anyone watching college football this weekend will want to check out the pre-game for Michigan v. Connecticut.

An Ohio State U. grad student will be leading the Michigan team onto the field… You can find his family’s inspiring story here (written a year or so ago).

Watching him WALK out onto the field will undoubtedly be a tearjerker for this not-so-tough football fan!!!

A Dress

Posted by Texas Mommy Categories: Miscellaneous
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I found myself at a shopping mall recently on my way to the airport for the first (and probably last) time in a very long time and I saw this dress and thought it was so very cute. Now I am not a fashionista (a good chunk of my wardrobe is still from high school) and I am not even particularly fond of shopping, because it eats into weekend time. So I had to really think for a few minutes about why this dress briefly caught my eye. And then it dawned on me…it looks just like a sling across the front.

And that is a look with which I am very comfortable!

(And that is as profound as I will attempt to be this wednesday morning).

Phone Dilemma?

Posted by Right Said Red Categories: Home Organization, Miscellaneous
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I have been unhappy with our phone situation for some time.  We have a cell phone and a land-line, and the cost seems extremely high for how much we actually use our phones.  Since I am primarily at home, the thought of getting rid of our land-line seems illogical, particularly when I find cell phones more difficult for conversation.  Unfortunately getting rid of the cell altogether isn’t really an option either.  I could switch to a no contract cell phone plan (much cheaper) and have very limited use of my cell for emergencies only.  Has anyone gone this route? Any good plans/companies you would recommend?

Or we could eliminate our land-line?  It seems only those still in school or in transition are opting for this route.  Is it acceptable for a settled family of 6 to not have a land-line?  After all the taxes, our basic land-line still adds up to a hefty sum, and I’m tempted to just throw in the towel and go cell phone only.  The social pressure to keep a land-line is high.  Is it ridiculous for us to go cell phones only?

For the Mouths of Babes

Posted by Kat Categories: Food and Nutrition
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On the day that Caroline turned 4 months old, I began feeding her “solids”. I know, I know, in many circles it is considered best to wait until baby turns 6 months old before introducing solids, and with Christopher and Maria, I waited much longer before introducing “real food”. But Christopher and Maria were terrible baby eaters – they wouldn’t eat any pureed food, and until they could pick up pieces of food and put them in their mouths, nothing but milk passed their lips. Even then, they weren’t good eaters – all they wanted to do was nurse, which was fine since it worked for us, but frustrating. I desperately wanted to introduce them to the tastes and textures of so many wonderful foods: sweet potatoes, squash, sweet peas, avocado. I tried homemade foods, jarred foods, and the classic Gerber foods, but nothing seemed to fit the bill.

So, this time around, I decided to start at 4 months, and Caroline has been an eager eater! It may just be her personality, but what a thrill it has been for me! I should also mention that thankfully, we do not have any food allergies (yet!) in our family, so I do not feel that I need to be as cautious – if we did, I may have waited longer before introducing solids. Also, Caroline is still getting lots of milk from me, so I feel confident that she is getting the nutrients and protection that she needs.

I have tried a variety of foods with Caroline, and most have been successful. I’ve also done a combination of homemade foods and store-bought foods, and thought that I would do a little comparison, just out of curiosity In this picture there are three varieties of carrots: from left to right, we have homemade carrots, then Earth’s Best Organics jarred carrots, and then Gerber carrots. Visually and from a taste perspective (I sampled all three), I must say that (although I am biased!) the homemade ones were by far the best! The puree tastes like carrot and smells delicious, and Caroline liked it, too. The other two varieties were also eagerly eaten by Caroline, but tasted sweeter to me. However, they are certainly good options when I’m on the go or when I just haven’t had a chance to make a batch of baby food.

This time around, I was also very tempted to buy the Beaba Babycook – has anyone had any personal experience with this handy little device? It is basically a mini-steamer and blender all in one, which is appealing on many levels. From a convenience standpoint, you only have one little machine to work with, so mom can prepare the baby’s food much more quickly and efficiently. Additionally, the Beaba comes with a recipe book to ensure the proper steaming and blending time, so novices like me can feel confident that they are preparing the food correctly. Also, even when baby no longer needs foods pureed, the Beaba still acts as a handy little steamer to soften foods for your little one. Sounds delicious and nutritious! The only problem is that the price point is about $140, which seems high to me. I do own a steamer and a blender, after all!

One more product that I may just have to buy: this Baby Dipper baby feeding set looks amazing, what a great concept!

I hope that everyone has a wonderful Monday morning! God bless all of you wonderful mothers and fathers as you start this new week!

Mary, Mother most Admirable, pray for us!

Harvard Grad Pursues her Vocation

Posted by Texas Mommy Categories: Politics and Current Events
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Did you read the interview at National Review with Mary Anne Marks, who delivered the 2010 commencement address at Harvard in Latin?

Here is an excerpt (and conversation that I believe all of the builders have had in one form or another–more on this in another post in the coming weeks):

KATHRYN JEAN LOPEZ: You are a Harvard graduate. Aren’t you surrendering all the possibilities that entails by entering a convent?

MARY ANNE MARKS: Yes, if one doesn’t see becoming a well-educated, intellectually alive nun as one of the possibilities.

She goes on to defend the Catholic Church’s respect for and support of the dignity of woman. Best wishes to Mary Anne! Can we give her an honorary builder degree?

When Builders Get Together…

Posted by B-Mama Categories: Children
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There are smiles…

there is play…

and there are definitely plenty of kids!!

Thanks for the wonderful visit, Red and family!!

Sisters

Posted by Kat Categories: Children, Motherhood and Parenting
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The other day, I was in the playroom with my girls. Maria, almost 3 years old, was having a great time playing peek-a-boo with her baby sister, Caroline, now 6 months old. I told Maria that I needed to take Caroline away for just a few minutes to change her diaper, and Maria protested, saying, “Mommy, please don’t take Caroline away, she’s my best friend!” Of course, these words melted this mother’s heart, and I imagined all of the fun that they would have together over the years.

How have you fostered friendship between your children? Specifically, how have you fostered friendship between daughters that are close enough in age that competitiveness and jealousy could sneak in? Sometimes, I think the best thing that we parents can do is to step away and let our children create fun together, without our involvement. We’re not quite there yet with our daughters, since Caroline is still quite young, but I have noticed that my children sometimes have the most fun together when I’m not in the same room! I’d love your thoughts on sibling interaction on this Friday morning. Happy almost-weekend!

Mary, Queen of families, pray for us!