Articles from March 2008

We have spoken recently about trouble with 3 year old boys, and mine is giving me fits! This morning I was on my own (with five kids) for Mass, and my little boy made me so angry that I, well, got angry. Getting angry in church gives me a feeling of frustration and guilt which sometimes makes me even more angry, either at the child or, for some reason, at the Church, God or the Priest. This is usually followed by an internal debate about whether or not, being this angry at a baby for not staying still, the priest for giving a homily or God for asking me to attend church makes me unprepared to receive the Eucharist.

This morning, however, something different happened. When I took the noisy child to the vestibule, I looked him right in the eye and said “we are offering this hour to God, however imperfectly.” Speaking these words, I internalized them, and I remembered that the imperfection of his behavior and the imperfection in my heart were both, to my Lord, childish imperfections. Only Christ is the perfect sacrifice, and His sacrifice perfects ours.

I think of it like this: my children are learning to make their beds. They straighten the sheets and pull up the blankets, but the bed is still a wrinkly mess. I appreciate their efforts and I take time to smooth the covers, so that the bed is well made. I know that they will keep working at it, that they will have good days and bad days, and that if I expect them to do a “grown up” job I am being too hard on them. I do, however, expect them to try.

God is a strict but loving parent, I know that He wants me to do the best I can to prepare for the Eucharistic sacrifice, but that he is also expecting to have to smooth out a few wrinkles in my soul before it is ready to receive the body of Christ.

I just walked though the kitchen to find my dark chocolate bunny ears missing. You know, the ones I was nibbling on so as to savor the treat for more than 5 seconds. Since both boys were napping I looked incredulously at Mr. Incredible, “Did you take my chocolate bunny ears?!?!”

His response: “What, is it a rule you can’t take a pregnant woman’s chocolate?”

Ummm…YES!!! IT IS A RULE!!!

In other food-related Easter news, I prepared Easter baskets, bought egg dye, etc. well before Easter knowing that we would be traveling right before Easter. I failed to remember (in my coconut-oil induced health conscious haze) that the organic free-range eggs that I feed my family are brown. This is not ideal for egg dying. But we have 50 joyful days to celebrate the Resurrection, so plenty of time to find some white eggs.

And one last thing…if you are pregnant and gave up sweets for Lent and your baby in utero lets you know that he needs some refined sugar and high fructose corn syrup on Easter Sunday, be sure you have Tums on hand. Just trust me on this one.

Dear friends ~

We’ve been starting to receive some email here at Building Cathedrals and aim to address all of your queries. Please don’t hesitate to write in with an issue and we’ll do our best to post on it as soon as possible. Here’s our first from reader, Katherine:

“Dear Builders,
I do not feel that my parish is very encouraging or supportive of mothers who choose to stay at home with their children. My pastor is not fond of small children and regularly encourages parents to leave their little children at the parish-provided baby-sitting service (not children’s liturgy, just baby-sitting) such that the children never even enter the church. Almost any meeting or event is on weekday evenings which is very difficult for me to attend as I nurse a 4-month-old who is always more needy at the end of the day and I have a 2-year-old whose bedtime routine it would mess up quite a bit, not to mention it is the primary time of day I get to spend with my husband. I think the times are generally chosen for adults who work during the day, but I feel like there is no way for me to be involved with my parish outside of Mass.

So, my questions:
1. Does anyone else feel this way or is it just me? Maybe it is just my parish and not a common thing.
2. If someone does not feel this way, is there something your parish does so that you don’t feel this way?

I’m wondering if my parish is more in the minority or the majority and I’m also wondering what can be done such that ministry to women like me doesn’t fall through the cracks.”
-Katherine

Dear Katherine,
My heart goes out to you as I read your words and feel your frustration. I have experienced varying degrees of what you are describing in parishes around the country (literally in NJ, CO, and IN!), the most poignant in Colorado where we were parishioners for one year before people started asking us, “Are you new to the parish?” It is so easy for young families to fall through the cracks even in thriving parishes, which makes this an issue worthy of appropriate attention by the Church (and us, its people!)

First of all, let me extend a warm hug of support and pat on the back for seeking out Christ in your day-to-day and desiring to commune with your parish outside of Mass on Sunday. When done right, a parish community can nurture a variety of ministries to the sick, poor, young, and old, bringing glory and honor during the week to the Eucharistic celebration on Sundays. I can remember GG and I attempting during our first year in Colorado to join a Bible study that met on Tuesday evenings (we didn’t have kids yet). We found ourselves among four elderly couples, who were the sweetest people on earth and so nurturing to us. We had prayed for fellowship in our new parish and received a bountiful answer, just not in the form we expected!

Secondly, it sounds like you might have to be a pioneer within the parish in order to bring about ministries catering to mothers and young families. Perhaps there is another young mother you know who can help you spearhead a playgroup or a mother’s Rosary group that meets while the kids play? I would challenge you to find like-hearted women and meet with your priest to explore options for you in the parish. Other parish ministries I’ve seen for mothers at our previous parishes include a Mom’s Catholic group (brunch and ministry while childcare was provided–started in CO by a few moms with similar desires to yours; it was an awesome group–I just had to have a baby and find it!), Parents’ groups that meet in the a.m. (similar in structure) , parish picnics at family-friendly times, and the Elizabeth ministries (providing support for mothers during childbearing years–meals, meetings, etc.) We’ve recently found a wonderful parish here in Indiana that aims to nurture the entire family, while exalting Christ in His Sacred Mass. It is beautiful to witness and is very possible with the commitment of parishioners to aid the priest(s) in such a mission! “Parish ambassadors” sit down with new families/parishioners and inform them of all the ministries available to them. I think this is a wonderful way of bringing His sheep into the fold of a church… We’ve also seen churches offer a ministry fair (usually in September) with tables representing the various outreaches of the church.

Finally, but most importantly, PRAY! Pray for the softening of your priest’s heart, for the women who you’ll reach, for the families you’ll help nurture… It sounds like you have a full plate yourself, so try not to over commit (hard to do!) If you can find one niche, one ministry to commission, you’ll bless your parish beyond measure. In the process, you’ll most likely draw other young women, much like you, who desire to commune and support one another. I know I’ve heard Red talk about approaching any young family “new” to the parish and inviting the woman to her women’s prayer group. I laugh thinking of Red hunting down parishioners (lol), but know these women are absolutely blessed by her efforts. It was because of one outgoing mother, Mary, that I ended up attending the MOM’s group at our CO parish. She came up to me after Mass and welcomed me. I can’t tell you how amazing that made me feel! (Sadly, though, it was after attending the church for a year and a half! Oh well!

Are Catholic Churches perfect? Absolutely not.
Can we help to make them better? Of course!
Blessings to you, Katherine, as you pioneer for your Church! God speed.

Here’s a great idea for a toddler service project. Check out this video. Make sure you turn the volume up first, it is very moving.

Then click here, for more details.

h/t to Rod Dreher at the Crunchy Con blog

Texas Mommy just posted this in a comment, and it’s something I’ve been thinking about lately as well, so I’m taking the liberty to initiate a full post on the topic… what do you do to get very young children involved in acts of charity in the community?

We don’t have much extra stuff right now because of our limited living space, so we don’t donate much. This is horrible, but I was deterred from nursing home visits by constant inquiries from a former pediatrician about whether my baby had been in contact with elderly in nursing homes, because apparently tuberculosis is widespread in nursing homes? Is this a serious problem? And anything that requires my children to focus and do something like sort cans seems to require more effort than it’s worth. So while “acts of charity” is on our list as one of several morning activity options, our most frequent acts of charity are offering to watch a friend’s children or cooking/baking for someone who needs help or cheer. This counts, and 3-year-old Bella definitely understands the value of it, and maybe it’s all a mom can really hope to accomplish with young kids… but if anyone has other suggestions, please fire away!

In my brief 29 years of experience, Fertility, Cycles and Nutrition by Marilyn Shannon is the best book I have come across on nutrition for the layperson. In the book, Shannon discusses the link between diet and fertility, AND encourages some basic dietary changes for women and men. I read this book as a newlywed, and I can honestly say that it changed my life. Her book had a huge impact on my diet, my female cycles, and our ability to conceive our children. My husband and I now teach Natural Family Planning classes, and I heartily recommend her book to our students and anyone else who will listen.

And if my own personal testimony isn’t enough for you, Drs. Jorge Chavarro and Walter Willet of the Harvard School of Public Health have confirmed much of what Shannon originally argued 15 -20 years ago. In their new book, The Fertility Diet, Chavarro and Walter compile information from the Nurses Health Study, and make dietary suggestions very similar to what Shannon argued for in her own book many years ago.

In the ongoing Nurses Health Study, started in 1989, thousands of nurses kept records of their diet, exercise, and other life patterns. Chavarro and Walter studied the data from participating nurses who wished to become pregnant. The data showed several correlations between diet and ovulatory infertility. In the latest issue of Family Foundations Magazine (put out by the Couple to Couple League, the largest provider of NFP services in the US), Shannon very humbly summarizes this new book and highlights some of Chavarro and Walter’s recommendations.

1. Avoid trans fats. The artery clogging fats found in many commercially prepared products and fast foods.
2. Use more unsaturated vegetable oils, such as olive oil and canola oil
3. Eat more vegetables protein, like beans and nuts, and less animal protein.
4. Choose whole grains and other sources of carbohydrates that have lower, slower effects on blood sugar and insulin rather than highly refined carbohydrates that quickly boost blood sugar and insulin.
5. Drink a glass of whole milk or have a small dish of ice cream or full-fat yogurt every day; temporarily trade in skim milk and low or no-fat dairy products like cottage cheese and frozen yogurt for their full-fat cousins.
6. Take a multivitamin that contains folic acid and other B vitamins.
7. Get plenty of iron from fruits, vegetables, beans, and supplements but not from red meat.
8. Beverages matter. Water is great; coffee, tea, and alcohol are okay in moderation; leave sugared sodas unopened.
9. Aim for a healthy weight.
10. If you aren’t physically active, start a daily exercise plan.

I find many of these recommendations a matter of common sense, but others are really interesting, particularly the go ahead for full-fat dairy products. The low-fat craze is most evident in dairy products, but natural fat as found in milk is actually very healthy. Our family traded in skim milk for full fat dairy years ago (and believe me this was difficult for me as I actually like the taste of skim milk better!). Plus full fat dairy products are really great for kids and their developing brains.

Ultimately, why is this so important? First of all, many painful infertility treatments can be avoided through dietary and lifestyle changes. But in a broader sense, our fertility is just another sign of our overall health. If a women has irregular cycles that can be aided through dietary changes, well then think of all the other things that might not have been working so well in her body. So the recommendations of this study are really good for everyone, even those not currently trying to add another little one to their family.

The house we are moving to this summer has a pool, and we have been educating ourselves on the importance of pool fences to protect our children from the drowning dangers pools pose.

Alas, no fence exists to protect us from peril confronting us at the moment: We are drowning in stuff.

Beginning before Halloween and ending at Easter, our relatives have fallen victim to society’s exhortations to buy stuff for our kids. In October, the stuff was candy (junk for the body). In November, the stuff was stickers, thingamabobs and whatchamacalits related to Thanksgiving (junk for the mind). In December, the stuff was Christmas presents (junk for the soul). In January, the stuff was STILL Christmas presents, this time from people we did not see over the holidays (junk for the already-junked soul). In February, the stuff was a mix of Valentine’s Day candy and stickers. In March, the stuff was the double-whammy of St. Patrick’s Day doohickeys and Easter (what else?) candy.

You’ve heard the expression “Up the river without a paddle”? Well, we don’t even have a boat. The torrent of stuff washes over us and threatens the stability of our day-to-day existence. It is so hard to get our children to eat nourishing food when jelly beans are sitting in an Easter basket in the next room. It is so hard to find worthwhile uses of our family’s time when plastic toys demand our children’s attention and crush their spirits when they break, often on first use.

On the one hand, we feel guilty and ungrateful for reacting this way to our relatives’ kindness. But we didn’t ask them for the stuff, and, really, it’s not their fault anyway.

Americans can’t go out to stores without being pummelled by the urge to buy something — anything! — that they didn’t have (and didn’t know that they even wanted) before they saw it, sitting there, marked with a sticker that says “70% off”. Who can blame anyone for wanting to buy something for 30% of its value? Of course, its “value” must not be the number that you’re paying 30% of, because otherwise it would have sold at that price and wouldn’t be marked down at “70% off”.

It would be one thing (and still not a good thing) if people had tons of disposable income to spend on stuff. But, as we’ve been told over and over again recently, credit card balances are rising, mortgage payments are being missed, and we have probably not even seen the worst of the economic crisis yet. No worry — the government has proposed a solution: It is going to send us all money, and it has told us that we should use it to…go out and buy more stuff. (It would be funny if it weren’t so sad. Read on.)

What’s more, the people whom the government has decided have enough disposable income to spend on stuff aren’t getting the money; instead, it is going to the people who don’t make enough to have disposable income and whose buying of stuff without having the money to pay for it helped get us all into the mess in the first place.
And when we say the “government” is going to send us all money, what I mean is: Our elected officials have decided that it is a good idea to redirect tax receipts from those who make too much to qualify for its largesse and to give the money to the other people, so they can spend money like the people who make too much to qualify for the government’s largesse.

Back to our four walls. We are raising five little people who, in the blink of an eye, will work to earn bread for themselves and their families, and they will have to make choices about how to spend their money. We may make enough for the government to decide that we have enough disposable income, but we don’t make enough to afford to let our children learn bad lessons now. Society is trying to teach them that stuff can make them happy, that buying something — anything! — can make a bad day good.

Sending them out into the world having learned such lessons would be tantamount to our eschewing a pool fence and taking our chances that they won’t be tempted to creep to the edge of the pool when the weather gets warm.

We need to be rescued. No less than if we were drowning in a backyard pool.

Help. Please, somebody, help.

[Guest post by Mary Alice's husband. Mary Alice feels the same way but doesn't have the time to write about it. She has to go throw away some stuff.]

If, like me, you are often found to be a day late and a dollar short then perhaps tomorrow you will listen to a free download from Catholic World Mission. The Glory Stories are wonderful, and their entire Stations of the Cross/The Passion for Children can be heard online.