Articles from April 2008

B-Mama had a great post regarding one aspect of what I was planning on touching on today. It is all too easy for us Moms to feel serious, burdensome guilt. It is a tremendous tactic of the devil.

On the flip side, it is also so easy for us to judge others. The ivy league competitor in us has always had a means by which to compare ourselves with others. Test scores, grades, athletics. We could always see how we measured up with others. I am often uncomfortable without feedback, without knowing how well I did something or getting a pat on the back.

But what a far cry this is from the Christian way of life! We have but one judge and one savior and must seek to do everything for His glory.

I don’t think I realized how quickly I could pass judgment until I became a mother and felt the Mommy guilt myself. I had a mental list of “things I would never do” with my kids. (Ha, all seasoned mothers can laugh at such a thought!).

The biggest shock to me was being unable to nurse my babies despite extreme efforts to do so. Before babies I was trying to decide if I would EVER give my child a bottle or a binky. It was a hugely humbling experience not to have these choices. However, I felt so judged by other mothers every time I had to feed my baby a bottle in public. With my first baby, I would find a way to work it into the first 2 minutes of conversation that I couldn’t nurse so that I wouldn’t be deemed a “bad” mommy. With Jack-Jack, it was a huge mortification for me not to justify myself to other moms and to try to humbly give my silence to God.

I recently met a sweet woman at our new parish who managed to work into our conversation after just a few minutes that she and her husband had been trying to have a baby since they were married, but it was not God’s will yet. It was so painfully obvious that she was afraid of being judged by me, a young Catholic mother.

Several weeks ago I read this passage in In Conversation with God (the series Mary Alice mentioned recently):

“The person who is always seeking the approval or applause of others can easily deform his own conscience. The rule of action then becomes what people will say, rather than the will of God….the first thing we have to do with our actions is to please Christ…human judgments are often wrong.”

How true this is! Last week I was complimented leaving the Blessed Sacrament chapel around 10am for bringing my two boys. Little did the woman know that far from being the recollected and sweet mother that she was imagining, I desperately needed to make a visit as I had already spent the early morning yelling at a grumpy toddler and feeling sorry for myself with my husband out of town and was just trying to get my day back on track. Our judgments are often wrong.

St. Paul tells us that, “I will not even pass judgment on myself…The Lord alone is my judge.” So often we want the admiration of others here and now! Fernandez reminds us of how the Gospel reading of the Pharisees tells us, “The have received their reward.” He goes on, the Pharisees, “got what they wanted: a glance of approval, a gesture of admiration, some words of praise. And shortly there would be nothing left but dust, and nothing at all for eternal life. What a terrible failure to lose so much for so little!”

We must be so mindful of our intentions. There is nothing wrong with making a fancy birthday cake or using baby sign language as long as we can sincerely say that we are doing it not to show off, but to glorify God through the service of our family. (This coming from a former cake decorator!) We must not compare ourselves with or judge ourselves against others. But rather, let us encourage each other in our unique circumstances, with our unique gifts, to “do everything for the glory of God.”

In the comments on Mother’s Guilt, we were discussing not having a manual or to-do list for raising our children. One of my highest priorities is to pass on my faith to my children, but I often wonder if I am prepared for this awesome task. PT is a natural skeptic, but I have found that reading this book, Catholic Truths for Our Children has really helped me to answer his questions, as well as to work matters of doctrine into conversation where appropriate. This is also a great supplement to the religious ed program we are using. Recently, we attended a wedding at an Episcopal church, and I was able to talk to the children more comfortably about why we don’t genuflect in this church. Before reading this book, I was hoping that I could just keep my kids under my skirt for long enough and I would not have to answer the tough questions. The author makes the great case, however, of the future college roommate who may be an evangelical well versed in his faith and prepared to question every thing your child has believed. I saw so many young people leave the church because the evangelicals were, frankly, more bold in their faith and better prepared to explain it. We Catholics are the heirs of the one true Church of Jesus Christ and we need to arm ourselves and our children to bear witness to that truth, to defend our own faith and, when God calls, to share it with others.

Note: I am using what I am learning from this book to talk to my six year old, but I will continue to use it for his entire life, touching on different points in different ways as appropriate to his development. This book also gives lots of bible references, so it is particularly helpful in apologetics with our Protestant brothers and sisters.

What is it about mothers and guilt?
Why do we so often fall victim to the ease of comparison and competition?

I have been pondering these thoughts lately, especially after considering Kat’s post yesterday regarding birthday parties. I have HUGE motherly guilt associated with the celebration of my kiddos’ big days. But why? They feel loved; they feel appreciated; they feel special on their birthdays. So why the need to own up to some standard, some far-off achievement of the biggest bash on the planet with every themed ornamentation, showcase of creativity, and birthday menagerie?

Why as a young mother did I feel like my children had to keep pace with every milestone others’ children achieved? I knew full well that all children develop at their own pace and end up reaching the same developmental outcome by age five. Yet I continued to do it. Mommy guilt.

I admit to being rather competitive, but is this issue pervasive among less-competitive mothers? And does it wane with the addition of each child and the understanding by a mother that she really can’t do it all? Or just that she can’t meet the unreasonable expectations put in place by irrational thinking and planning?

I spoke with a new mother yesterday, who shared of her experiences in the first two months of motherhood. She commented on having to limit time on the phone with a really organized friend (also a new mother) due to the feelings of inadequacy that would result from their conversations. I hastened to discourage her immediate sense of guilt and comparison. “Don’t do it, ” I said, “Whatever you do, don’t allow yourself to fall into the trap of mother guilt. It’s always there. It’s always working against us.”

Mother guilt is sinful and we, mothers, need to pray for greater enlightenment; for strength to endure particular seasons of motherly guilt so that we can truly fulfill our vocations to the best of our ability. No more. No less.

I will pray for all mothers today. I will pray for you.

Check it out! Let’s hope the excitement over Benedict’s visit is a real revival of Catholicism in America.

Today, I’m asking for some advice from all of you experienced parents out there  Tomorrow, our C turns 4 years old (I can’t believe it!), and we’re having a birthday party for him in the late morning/early afternoon. My plan is to let the kids play for the first 30-45 minutes, and then to move on to pizza and birthday cake. Any thoughts on activities or games for the children, or just on what has worked for your family in making a birthday party enjoyable and fun (rather than stressful)?

The ONE MILLION ROSARIES FOR UNBORN BABIES prayer event is scheduled to take place on Saturday, May 3rd, 2008. People in the Eastern Time Zone will pray the Rosary within the 9 a.m. to 10 a.m. hour, Central Time Zone 8 to 9 a.m., etc. The Rosary will be prayed for the following intention: For an end to the surgical and non-surgical killing of unborn babies. A person may register to be a participant by going to the website www.saintmichaelthearchangelorganization.org

As Texas Mommy and I each “cook” our respective third boys, I found this article extremely interesting…

TM: Do you like to eat as much as I do?

I’m so pleased to find that two great seasons–a new baby on the horizon and the spring–are coinciding currently in my life as a mother. Both have the effect of making me slow down and savor the moments of the day, with my children and my husband, with our Lord, and with the world around me. Most of the time, my instinct seems to be to rush through the day with an agenda, not always because there is so much to do, but because I’m lonely, or restless, or extroverted, or type-A, or whatever other excuse. It takes a conscious effort for me to slow down and enjoy each moment.

With a new baby coming, I feel like a chapter of my life with Bella and Bean is coming to a close, so it’s easy (and a little bittersweet) to sit in the rock garden or in under a tree with them and laugh and feel no urge to rush anywhere or do anything educational or “productive” while we’re sitting there. Bean loves dirt and bugs and worms, Bella loves flower petals and butterflies and rabbits, they LOVE goofing off together while I watch them, and that’s been our only agenda every afternoon.

And the spring always makes it easy to “just be” outdoors and take in the splendidness of God’s creation.

But again, it often seems to take a particular season (or two) like these to make it easy to stop and savor the small moments. Do you have particular places you go, things you do, habits you cultivate, reflections you ponder that help you slow down and “smell the roses” day to day?

Gianna emerged from our backyard today with this bouquet. “These are for you mama!” she said.

Look no further ….