Articles from May 2008

With the recent purchase of our new home, GG and I have taken to our green thumb past…

About 10 days ago I went on my first retreat since just after college 5 years ago. It was my first retreat since marriage and having kids. One of the best parts of these silent retreats is extended time for spiritual direction with a priest. After I had talked for a bit about my struggles, he asked me if I had seen the movie, The Incredibles.

“You see,” he told me, “I think you have this idea in your head of what a young, Catholic mother should be…a perfect supermom.”

“You are like Mrs. Incredible. While you may occasionally called upon to do very heroic things, life is mostly like the scene where she and Mr. Incredible sit around the dinner table eating leftovers while the kids are fighting and making a mess. This is everyday, ordinary life.”

I wasn’t sure if I should laugh or cry at the invocation of The Incredibles (so I did both…love third trimester hormones!!) since I have been blogging about our Incredible family for 2 years.

He reminded me that the goal, holiness, is the path. The path is to try out of love for God. Sometimes we will succeed, sometimes we will stumble. But where true charity and sacrifice come in is when we decide to try. When we offer a smile to our husbands when they walk in the door even when we are exhausted, when we do not become angry over the milk spilled twice in the same meal.

“What does it matter that we stumble on the way, if we find in the pain of our fall the energy to pick ourselves up and go on with renewed vigour? Don’t forget that the saint is not the person who never falls, but rather the one who never fails to get up again, humbly and with a holy stubbornness.” wrote St. Josemaria.

One week after the retreat I loaded the kids up and headed to the airport to fly home to visit my family. Things were going pretty smoothly until security. Since Dash usually freaks out when he has to take off his shoes at security, I didn’t even have him wear shoes into the airport, leaving them in the bottom of the stroller (and thinking myself pretty clever).

However, this particular day, Dash did NOT want the stroller to go through the x-ray machine, which he let me and the rest of the airport know in no uncertain terms. So I had to pick up the kicking, bawling and screaming 37 pound Dash in one arm, the 25 pound Jack-Jack in the other and balance the wriggling, screaming mass over my 7 month pregnant belly and walk through the metal detector.

The TSA lady looked at me acutely and told me (also in no uncertain terms) that I could NOT touch the sides of the machine. In the moment I blurted out, “Are you kidding me?” to her. Not my finest moment.

But I regrouped, took a deep breath and began again. We might not make it through, but I was going to try. A very tiny thing, to be sure, but this is what is asked of us, especially mothers. To try in the little things of daily life.

And miracle of miracles, the 4 of us (me and the 3 boys) made it through at the same time without a stray, squirming leg hitting the sides thus avoiding a 4-way security wand fiasco.

So each day, each moment we have the opportunity to begin again. To not be afraid of falling, but to be determined to get up again. And we are given superhuman powers through the graces in the Sacraments that we may all try to be the superheros of ordinary life….saints.

Great comments on my recent CCL post!

Just to answer a few questions:

1. The new book and materials were released in February/March of 2008. All new CCL courses are now using the new materials. They are still working on the training programs for the “specialized” courses in return of fertility after childbirth and pre-menopause. The student guide book is complete, but the teacher training in these areas is still a little rough. It will be complete in the coming months. The doctor in question was probably referring to the teacher training materials.

2. There is very little difference between Creighton, Billings, and CCL in the actual “rules” of NFP. All 3 methods are 99% effective. CCL teaches the sympto-thermal method of NFP, using all 3 signs (temp, cervix, and mucus). Billings and Creighton focus on mucus only. I personally use a mucus/cervix only method of NFP (CCL gives mucus only rules in their materials, with very clear pictures of more fertile/less fertile mucus), but I teach all 3 signs in my courses, as certain signs work better for certain women. Some women have really regular temp patterns and that enables them to better interpret a confusing mucus pattern (and vice versa). Creighton and Billings are mucus only, but the “rules” are essentially the same (especially after CCL’s updates to their materials). You can take a CCL course, and then do a mucus only method of NFP. CCL’s charts and materials are standardized, and they have many doctors that develop their materials and are trained on CCL charts. That being said, ANY doctor worth anything should be able to read ANY NFP chart. It’s the same thing, just different symbols.

I want to emphasize again that I think all 3 teaching organizations are really great and they are all working together to make NFP more practical for couples.

3. Finally, if you are interested in taking an NFP course you can either contact your local diocese and ask about courses OR you can contact one of the following organizations directly to learn about courses/teachers in your area:

The Couple to Couple League
Creighton Model Fertility Care
The Billings Ovulation Method

4. The new manual does offer advice on charting with breastfeeding, no matter what feeding method you choose. If this is your situation, I would HIGHLY recommend the supplemental NFP course on return of fertility after childbirth.

5. Finally, if you are looking for an NFP physician, check out the One More Soul Directory for NFP only physicians and if you can’t find a local Obgyn from that directory, try a midwife, they are usually much more knowledgeable about NFP.

God Bless all you women and thanks for all the comments and support!

The Couple to Couple League (CCL) is the largest provider of Natural Family Planning (NFP) services in the US, and it has recently gone through an extreme makeover. Making a break with the Kippleys (author of: Breastfeeding and Natural Child Spacing, Breastfeeding and Catholic Motherhood, The Art of Natural Family Planning), CCL is now promoting a more high tech, streamlined, and scientific approach to NFP. They have also adopted an altered approach to breastfeeding and child spacing and for that I give them two thumbs up! The new materials are really great, and the new student guide is a must have, with simpler rules, great computer graphics, and even a new software program (Cycle-Pro) to help chart your cycles.

Overall, I think the changes at CCL are GREAT, but I think the changes related to breastfeeding are SUPER GREAT! And here is why:

Two years ago my husband and I signed up to become NFP instructors for our diocese. We were required to receive training through CCL (this is typical of most diocesan offices), and we filled out the forms to enroll in the CCL teaching training program. This was prior to the new CCL materials and, in our application form, we were required to explain why we didn’t ecologically breastfeed our children. It was at this point that I realized just how intertwined CCL and the promoters of Attachment Parenting/ecological breastfeeding had become. If you want to know more of my thoughts on this, see a recent post of mine on this topic.

Now, I exclusively breastfeed my children, but I do not sleep with my babies, nor do I avoid pacifiers, etc. Under the old CCL regime, as NFP instructors, we would be expected to not only teach NFP, but to promote a particular style of parenting and child spacing: ecological breastfeeding/AP. At the time, we couldn’t sign the form saying we had personally practiced this type of parenting, nor would I sign anything agreeing to parent this way in the future. I explained my reasons fully in an attached essay, and we were granted an “exemption” so to speak, and because CCL was soon changing this part of the materials, we were permitted to move forward with the teacher training.

I saw the old regime’s ecological breastfeeding advocacy as problematic for the following reasons:

1. For many couples, fertility returns far sooner than couples would like, even while using ecological breastfeeding. When this happens, they are left distrusting many of the other things they learned in NFP classes.
2. Physicians, lactation consultants, and mainstream medical journals have not adopted the term “ecological breastfeeding.” This creates a disconnect between CCL and the medical community. Again, this leaves couples feeling misled about what they have learned in their NFP courses.
3. Ecological breastfeeding is REALLY difficult, and in many cases it isn’t possible to practice this method of breastfeeding—particularly in the very common situation where mom has to work part time.
4. Ecological breastfeeding is more of a parenting style/philosophy and CCL should focus on teaching NFP and promoting breastfeeding, and avoid entering into the parenting philosophy debates.

Thankfully, CCL agreed with many of these common objections, and as a result has altered their approach to NFP instruction and breastfeeding advocacy. With the new method, CCL continues to promote breastfeeding and its effect on fertility, with terms such as formula feeding, mixed feeding, exclusive breastfeeding, and continued breastfeeding. These terms are generally accepted in the medical community and explained fully in the new materials.

More importantly, CCL has moved away from prescribing breastfeeding in order to delay the return of fertility, and they will no longer refer to breastfeeding as a “form of NFP.” Rather, CCL promotes breastfeeding as part of responsible parenthood, a method of feeding that is unquestionably best for babies, and usually always best for mothers and families. While wholeheartedly promoting that “breast is best,” CCL no longer claims that a particular kind of breastfeeding is best for a particular family, and they no longer imply that an early return of fertility is the result of a mother not breastfeeding correctly. Alleluia!

Finally, CCL now provides clear and ACCURATE guidance on the return of fertility after childbirth, no matter what feeding method a family chooses.

As for how these changes came about, I don’t know the details, but I know that a lawsuit with the Kippley’s settled in 2007. For those unfamiliar with the Kippleys, they helped to found CCL, and are the authors of the original “The Art of Natural Family Planning.” Referred to as the NFP bible, the book was overwhelming in size and very intimidating for couples to flip through 400+ pages of material. The new method is significantly streamlined, and high tech, with a manual ½ the size of the old book. I think these changes will be a great help in promoting NFP and breastfeeding to a new generation of couples.

Disclaimer: While I am a CCL instructor, the previous statements and opinions are my own and I am not writing on behalf of CCL.

Help! My child won’t eat! 

With the onset of teething a few weeks ago, 7 month-old Maria has decided that she is NOT interested in eating anything except for mommy’s milk Now clearly, the little munchkin is not starving, but she is constantly HUNGRY and I’m having a hard time figuring out what to feed her! She has never been terribly interested in pureed baby foods, but now I can’t even push the spoon into her mouth – when she sees the spoon coming, she clamps her mouth shut! I think that she may be like our eldest, C, who only ever ate food that he could pick up and put into his mouth himself :) 

So, I’m asking all of you mommies out there for some suggestions on nutritious finger-foods that I can feed my strong-willed baby! She still has quite a strong “gag” reflex, so even cheerios have a hard time getting into her tummy, but I’m sure that there must be some foods out there that I could try. She loves sucking on huge hunks of apple/carrot, but that’s mostly for teething purposes since she’s not really swallowing anything. Help! I’m starting to feel the effects of waking up a couple of times at night to feed my hungry child

“Heavenly Father, today we remember those who courageously gave their lives for the cause of freedom. In union with people of goodwill of every nation, may we all work for peace and justice, and thus, seek to end violence and conflict anywhere around the globe. We pray through Christ our Lord. Amen” ~Cardinal Maida~

They are not well dressed all the time, by any stretch. A lot of it comes down to energy, those sorts of clothes are high maintenance. Also, I am not just talking about fancy clothes, a cute, stain free white polo shirt and jeans would be adorable, too. But so few of our clothes are stain free, and in the land of hand me downs I am now putting the Lion into stained, pilled clothes and sometimes don’t even fit, or are pink.

Has anyone figured out the true scoop on infant sleep positions? Of course tummy sleeping is out because of the SIDS risk, although it’s crazy that our parents were told to sleep babies on their tummies. Is cosleeping safer or more dangerous than putting a baby to sleep alone? Different parenting philosophies differ here on what seems to be a factual question. And is side sleeping really more dangerous than back sleeping?

The Crime Scene:

The Culprits:

The Verdict:

One shaved head. One bad haircut made presentable with lots of barrettes and headbands. One mama who keeps reminding herself that it’s only hair. It will grow back.

After Red’s recent post regarding her ongoing grieving for her daughter, Therese, one commenter asked the following question:

Was there anything that you read or anything that anyone did for you that was particularly helpful during your immediate time of grief?

I have not experienced the loss of a baby of my own, so I hope that those who have will not find me presumptuous in responding to this question, but I wanted to share some thoughts.

My family is very upfront about illness and death. Perhaps this is because my mother’s relatives ran a funeral home, or more likely because of my parents’ faith, they felt that children should be allowed to deal with this reality of life head-on. Both of my grandmothers were from large families, and I recall a span of time when about once a year we would all pile into the car to head to a wake for a great aunt or uncle. These sad occasions were slightly softened for me by the fact that I might not know the person well, but I think they were formative in that I saw adults and children in my family grieving, I became familiar with the etiquette, traditions and rites of the Catholic wake and funeral (or I should say, the Irish kind, since even in America different cultures have different traditions in this area). The most important lesson I learned, however, was that it does matter to people that you show up, and even if you don’t know what to say, your small acts of kindness make a difference.

I point this out because I know that often we don’t do or say anything for fear of doing or saying the wrong thing. There are very few wrong things to say, the saddest thing to do is just ignore the person or cut them off socially because you cannot deal with what is happening. This sounds crazy, but it happens all the time when people are terminally ill.

As I grew older, I lived these things first hand. My grandfather died after a long illness, and then both of my brothers suffered, and, thankfully recovered from, life threatening illnesses during college. Last May, my aunt died in my parents’ home after a painful year of suffering with cancer.

From those experiences, I draw the same lesson, it matters that you show up. My family was acutely aware of the small kindnesses offered during these difficult times — dropping off a funny DVD for distraction, having bagels delivered to the house one morning, cards and masses offered, more distant friends who made the effort to attend the funeral. I will say this, we are a very, very private family, and for us it was helpful that most of the things that people offered were “non-invasive.” When my brother was in the hospital, I put one helpful friend in charge of communicating all the information to the others, we were providing care around the clock and at that time I just did not have the time or energy to talk to people. With that said, every time I checked my voicemail my burden was somewhat lightened by short, caring messages my friends had left. For people who are, essentially, living at a hospital, a care package of toiletries can help, my poor cousin went about a week without deoderant because he was running from school to the hospital and never had time to get to the drug store. If someone mentions a small problem, offer an immediate, simple solution. I will never forget the friend who dug through her son’s closet for a white shirt for my little boy to wear to the funeral.

This month is the first anniversary of the death of my aunt, and my perspective from this year, and also from watching my grandmother recover from the loss of her husband, is that there is often a flurry of support right at the center of the crisis, but things can get quiet and lonely as time passes. My mother has been touched by my aunt’s friends who have called her every few months and invited her to lunch. My grandmother was relieved when she was welcomed back into the social circle from which she had been long absent while she cared for her husband. This month in particular there were masses offered for my Aunt, and it was so nice to know that she had not been forgotten.

I was surprised by the number of people who responded to Red’s post that they had lost a child as well. I am glad that Red shared her intimate feelings because it shows others that this is a safe place to talk about this loss. My grandmother had four stillborn children, and she was known to say that the love of a good man could get you through anything. This is true, but for her this loss became a personal secret, it was something that we never spoke about. It was not until I had children of my own that I understood that this also meant that she carried these four babies for nine months, and because of the health situation she knew, or at least suspected, that the baby would not survive. My grandmother also had a wonderful mother and a supportive family, but I am glad that women in our generation can also turn to friends, talk about their loss and joy in these babies, and, most of all, not be afraid to remember them.

I am also proud of Kat and Red as they have allowed their other children to know about and share in the life and death of their sisters. This is often painful, but it is truly the right thing to do. It may have been easier for my parents to get a sitter than to bring us along to funerals, taking the time to get us dressed up and to explain what was a happening, but over time, it will help these children be more compassionate when others are suffering loss.