Posts belonging to Category Marriage

One of our dear friends is getting married today, and many of the Builders are gathered in Washington for the special event.  Weddings are amazing; your friends and family fly in from all over the world to celebrate your commitment and your relationship is imbued with new, sacramental strength.

If FT were there, he would tell you a few things, we have heard them many times from him at weddings, but they deserve to be repeated.  First, don’t run away.  Marriage is worth the effort, but it does take a surprising amount of effort, and humility and charity, more than many people are able to give to one another.  Keep at it, because as you grow in these things you will be closer to God and one another.  Second, ask for forgiveness and forgive.  Over and over again.  Big things and little things.  Third, the community present at your wedding is there to promise to support you in your marriage, go to them when you are in trouble.

One of the most important things about my relationship with these women over the years has been the ways that they have supported my marriage.  These girls know how you get when you are exhausted, that there is fire behind your often quiet, joyful attitude, they know when you need space and how to reconcile with you after a fight.  There is a sisterhood there.  The blessing of this sisterhood is that these women believe deeply in the sacramentality of your marriage, and they will pray for you and support you through difficult times, rather then bashing your husband or encouraging you to stay angry.  When you get crazy, they will listen long after he can’t stand to talk about it anymore.  There will be stages in your marriage when this support is priceless, so don’t be afraid to show vulnerability by asking for it.

Many people ask us how we do it, and while we all have different styles, I think we would agree that the foundation of each of our cathedrals is our faith in God and our amazing husbands.  They keep food on our tables with their daily labor, and two have put their lives on the line for the freedom of all of our families.  They lead our families in prayer, but they know the healthy limits of wifely submission.  They make us laugh.  They motivate us and help us juggle when we overcommit.  They have held our hands through 26 labors.  They are our best friends.

We wish you a marriage in which you grow closer to God through one another each day, firm in the knowledge that you are one another’s path to sanctity.

Last week we had a joyful day

While Mr. Incredible worked far away.

We wanted to share it while he was far from home,

so we emailed him pictures to his iPhone.

The three happy brothers reacted with glee

to see our new little one floating on the little TV!

That’s right….we have a tiny new one

who just can’t wait to join the fun!

For weeks now my stomach has done flip flops

And sometimes there is just one thing to make it stop.

Last week the baby wanted risotto at nine o’clock.

My husband smiled patiently, betrayed no shock,

but went into the pantry to get the stock.

I gently directed while laying down

While Mr. Incredible ladled hot stock and stirred round and round.

The shallots were chopped and the parmesan grated

while I sat pathetically on the couch and waited.

It was delicious, contented my tummy

and it was made with love by my wonderful hubby.

I’ll only feel nausea for a few more weeks,

but my Mr. Incredible, he is for keeps!

*Cheesy poem courtesy of pregnancy hormones.

I thought it would be a good time to post a list of presents for various budgets which I think that any mother would enjoy, just in case there are any husbands reading whose wives might have birthdays coming up.  These gifts take a little bit of knowing your wife to get them right, but you can fake it with some research around your house once you have this list, and you will get major bonus points for paying attention.  Ladies, please chime in on the comments and share your ideas.  Male readers, feel free to start a list of your own in the comments, I would love some suggestions in the other direction!

As an aside, if you happen to be leaving her at home with six children while you attend a bachelor party on her birthday, note that thoughtful gifts can go a long way in making it up…

-nice pajamas

-a gift certificate to a salon or store and an offer to babysit

-a whole day to herself with no agenda

-perfume or lotion (these are luxury purchases for many women, so a shrewd husband can check her bottles and see which ones are close to empty)

-a pretty scented candle

-replacements for the various things which the children have broken in the past year or so, for example, gold post earrings, docking station, measuring cups

-the new Ann Patchett novel or several thoughtful free kindle downloads to show her you know what she wants to be reading when she has a moment to relax

-a subscription to a non-parenting magazine

-work out clothes if she works out — but not if she doesn’t, be careful, rummage through her drawers to check what size you need and what style she seems to prefer

-a homemade poster of her children’s handprints in a nice frame which she can hang in the living room

-a weekend away together

-a luxury bar of dark chocolate

-a digital photo album of some of her favorite family moments — she works hard on scrapbooks for the children, but what about memories for the whole family which she will keep after the children, and their albums, have flown the coop?

My husband is a scholar of British and European history, which necessitates regular and fairly-grueling trips abroad for conferences and research, with each trip lasting a minimum of one week. He rarely has internet access outside of his archives, so we’re limited to expensive 20-25 minute Skype phone calls each day from my computer to his shoddy international mobile phone. Twenty minutes is not nearly enough to recount a full day’s activities and impressions in two lives that are one. But it’s what we have, and I cherish it.

An hour or so before our scheduled phone call, I begin asking the kids to think of what they’d like to tell him. Then I prepare some activities for them to do while I talk with my husband. I consider the baby’s needs in advance so he’s not screaming during the phone call.

Those 20 minute conversations when he’s away are very different from our conversations when he’s home. Over Skype, I have little urge to complain about my day or to prove to him how hard I work to manage our family and our home. I am eager to hear the details of his day. Who he met, how his presentation went, what he uncovered. How he’s feeling, how rough the jetlag is, how staggeringly-unpleasant the British food is, as always. How his morale is, how the Masses are. The kids love overhearing it all. It’s not because his days are more action-packed abroad than at home. It’s because we have only those 20 minutes in his presence. We give him our best.

I am going to try to transfer this mentality to our everyday. I have gotten out of the habit of greeting him at the door when he comes home from work. At that hour, I’m sweating in the kitchen, tidying the house, bouncing the baby, keeping tired kids at bay, and trying not to lose my patience or my mind. And it takes a mammoth effort to tidy the house and get dinner ready in time for his arrival home. But many times, I never hear about his day, because I am so steeped in my evening chores when he first arrives, then the evening passes in a flash. Our family dinner conversation isn’t as robust as it could be, because the kids haven’t thought of things to tell him; instead they are spazzing while I space out (even extroverted moms can only take so much!). Not to mention the kids rarely see me attending to how he’s doing, since that usually happens after they’re in bed.

I think it would do the kids and me very well to prepare our attitudes for his arrival home, so we can cherish at least the first 20 minutes of our evening with him. It might take preparing dinner even further ahead of time. It might take returning from the playground a little earlier so the kids aren’t fried. And it will definitely take an earnest effort on my part.

Dad’s return home in the evening should be a major event of my day, not an invitation to collapse. 20 minutes isn’t nearly enough to cherish him, but it’s a good start.

“In any case, each one of you should love his wife as himself, and the wife should respect her husband.”  Ephesians 5:33

“Be subordinate to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Ephesians 5:21

Although we spend much of our time on this blog talking about our children and the beautiful vocation of motherhood, all of us know that one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is the gift of a healthy marriage relationship. If mom and dad are thriving in their love for one another, the children will feel safe and secure, part of a vibrant family. This all sounds simple, but can be very difficult to implement in reality, especially during times of personal or financial stress. Arguments can flare up seemingly out of nowhere, and suddenly a great day can turn into a day filled with sour moods and abrupt conversation.

The folks over at Love and Respect Ministries conducted a telling survey of over 7,000 individuals, in which they asked both men and women a simple question: “When you’re in a conflict with your spouse, do you feel unloved at that moment or disrespected?” 83% of men said that they felt disrespected by their wives, while 72% of women responded that they felt unloved by their husbands during the conflict (Love and Respect Ministries, Inc. 2010). Many of us have heard the theory that , while both men and women desire to be both loved and respected, women have a deep need for love and men have a deep need for respect. This survey certainly seems to give some credence to that theory! Furthermore, St. Paul already spoke these words in his letter to the Ephesians more than 2,000 years ago, in which he said that “each one of you [men] should love his wife as himself, and the wife should respect her husband” (Ephesians 5:33). This verse comes at the end of the often controversial “wives should be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord” passage, and therefore is often overshadowed by the uneasiness that this passage stirs up in those who misunderstand it. I was so thankful when a friend pointed it out to me the other day – I’m ashamed to say that even though I have read or heard this passage a thousand times, I too have overlooked it!

So, what are some practical ways that we can practice love and respect in our marriages? After all, if we cannot practically apply an idea then it is not of much use to us. It would be great to hear from both men and women here, so that we can get a well-rounded view of how we can best communicate our love and respect to our spouses! Here are a few ideas of my own:

We can show love by:

-Overlooking small faults that are simply annoying, and not harmful in any way

-Giving our spouse the benefit of the doubt

-Listening actively, making sure to maintain eye contact and engage in the conversation

-Saying “I’m sorry” when we have done something wrong

-Giving a pat on the shoulder, a stolen wink or smile, a kiss on the way out the door

-Making sure to speak highly of my spouse in front of the children

-When something tough has happened, listening to my spouse and gently offering to help

-Lightening the mood with humor

-Showing love to our spouse even when they are not particularly lovable

We can show respect by:

-Thinking twice before we speak to our spouse: “Is what I am about to say respectful? How will it be perceived?”

-Being willing to have a tough conversation without hurling insults or rolling our eyes

-Backing our spouse in front of the children

-Asking our spouse’s opinion on how to handle family matters, and letting them know that we will honor their input

-Acknowledging all of the sacrifices that our spouse makes for our family every day

-Showing respect for our spouse even when their actions do not really merit respect

I enjoyed this recent post by our dear friend and sister Queen B.

My husband and I spend a good amount of time discussing how much someone working outside the home should expect to love his/her work. I’d imagine most wives consider this question, as we encourage our husbands through the cycle of excitement and tedium of professional life. We’ve all encountered the individuals who profess repeatedly, “Man, I love my job. I just wish everyone loved their job as much as I do. I’m so sad for the people who don’t have a job they absolutely love.”

I haven’t figured out the answer, but I think yearning to find “the job I love” like the gold at the end of the rainbow can be an unfortunate and misguided offspring of the American mentality that our self-actualization and ultimate fulfillment are found in our jobs. This attitude breeds discontentment and restlessness, at least among the vast majority of the workforce. Often work is just work. And just as we find dignity and fulfillment in a job well done, it’s also our burden since Eden. The quotation from St. Josemaria at the end of Queen B’s post puts it so well. Do the work God has given you to the best of your abilities, patiently and diligently, using your skills and gifts and virtues, as an offering to Our Lord. We may not be as slap-happy as larks every day in the office or hospital or lab or classroom, but we will find joy.

…But today, I will once again be sharing someone else’s work. Today’s post features a video on the differences between men’s and women’s brain and is, of course, not as substantial as last week’s list of Scripture quotes on parenting. However, it is very funny and I just had to share I feel pretty good about sharing this video for a couple of reasons: first, a great priest shared it with us on a marriage renewal mini-retreat this weekend, and second, I do feel that there is some truth to what this man is saying! My husband and I don’t fit all of the “male-female” generalizations that he makes here, but it gave us a good chuckle Without further ado, here goes…

Click here to see the video (embedding is not working this morning, so sorry!)

Life can be hard, but truly we have so many opportunities, great and minor, to be thankful each day.  I am such a planner and that I am often looking at the next thing on my “to-do” list rather than stopping to appreciate how far we have come, and while this dreaming and scheming helps us accomplish a lot, it sometimes feels like we have so much still left to do, we never get to year 5 of the 5 year plan because it becomes year 1 of the next 5 years!

To help the family stop and give thanks we have two small practices, we use them sporadically but I have come to really love them.

First, with the kids we have a small journal we use for “Gratitude.”  We go around the table and each tell something we are thankful for, and I write them down.  John almost always mentions his latest favorite toy of the moment.  It interests me that Peter names the authors of the books he reads, not the books themselves.  The girls may come up with a person, and Leo always, always says the food that we are eating at that moment.  We have fun doing this and I really like having the journal to look back on, when they are older it will be very funny to see what they were most grateful for at age 5.

Second, for my marriage, even though we are not really sentimental in general, we try to send emails with the subject line “it’s great” and then say something positive.

For example, it’s great that the super cheap pool company I found actually showed up and closed the pool, the price was so good that I had my doubts!  It’s great that the service men at this small business were super child-friendly.  It’s great to watch the kids gather around the window as the pipes are blown out, exclaiming over the geysers.

On a really bad day, looking for one good thing can help us to keep on moving forward.

Lastly, my husband’s mother used to wear a pin to work every day with the word “Attitude” in gold letters.  The pin only had one stick on the back — pins with words usually have two, so that they stay straight once they are pinned on — so that from time to time you had to “adjust your attitude.”  This is a phrase that we use with the children, but sometimes I need it more than them!  These small practices help me to cultivate an attitude of gratitude for my abundant blessings.

Red, Texas Mommy, and B-mama

On Saturday night, we had the privilege of attending a beautiful wedding.  While Juris Mater described it as a celebrity wedding a while back, it was everything most modern weddings are not.  It was heavily focused on the tradition and beauty of the wedding ceremony, and light on the pomp and circumstance at the reception.  Nothing was forced or fake in the demeanor of the bride and groom.  Not an ounce of self-indulgence was present in any aspect of the day.  While the location was beautiful and grand, the party was intimate and casual.  The blessing of children was a theme for the day, mentioned in the toasts and demonstrated by the admiring glances toward the two charming infant guests at the reception.  I left with a deep sense of admiration for the couple, a joy at their future together, and hope that even amidst a culture obsessed with materialism and image, a wedding could be both elegant and real.  It was their first day as a married couple and a new family, and the couple and those at the wedding never seemed to lose sight of that reality.

Since becoming a mother, my perspective on weddings has changed a bit.  The weddings of friends were formerly an opportunity to celebrate the love of a great couple, and a time to see some old friends.  I was always very focused on what the bride wanted and how it was “her day.”  I worked my tail off as a bridesmaid to help make sure every detail of the bride’s day was perfect.  In pre-wedding chatter I heard brides and mothers of the brides and well-meaning friends talk about how it was “their day” and the bride and couple both could do and should do whatever they wanted.  While these comments were often made with reasonable limitations in mind, for example choosing pink or white flowers, there were many times the comments were made to excuse unreasonable choices and expectations.  The “her day” comments highlight and encourage a bridal mentality of stardom.

Brides and grooms are not celebrities and stars, they are hosts.  The bride and groom are hosting their closest family and friends in a celebration of their love as they begin a new family.  The modern wedding seems to have lost sight of this reality, and as a result, the culture excuses almost any choice of the bride and groom, including choices that inconvenience guests and create a culture that is actually hostile to family life.  Take, for example, decisions to exclude nursing infants from weddings.  I thought this choice by a Catholic couple absurd when we encountered it several years ago, but B-Mama and her sweet baby MG were recently the victim of a similar decision at a family wedding.  Brides asking guests to come to a wedding without their nursing infant, or even worse, asking guests to travel large distances and then leave babies in the care of hotel childcare services is just plain rude.  These are the choices of a couple seeking stardom, not a couple practicing hospitality.

I was an ignorant bride myself back in the day.   I remember inviting my cousin to attend my wedding, and then sitting idly by as a “no child” wedding policy forced my poor cousin to leave her young children (ages 3 and 5) in a hotel room while she and her husband attended my wedding.  We did provide them with child care from our church, but I’m still embarrassed.

Sadly, I was very ignorant about the realities and day to day sacrifices of parenthood.  Just months away from the married vocation, I was clueless.  Mr. Red and I were both the eldest of 3 children, spaced 2 year apart.  I was 4 when my youngest sister was born, and that about sums up my experience with young children.  Considering that I was about to enter into a vocation where I would spend the majority of my time nurturing and raising children, it is pretty unsettling how little I knew about the day to day realities and sacrifices of parenthood.  The Church, and our Catholic culture, need to do a better job at educating young couples in this area.  The family is obviously a great start, but not everyone can rely upon their mother or mother-in-law.  I’m not sure there is an easy answer, but maybe discussing basic parenting realities in pre-cana is a good start.  After all, these couples are about to get married, and a simple reminder that they are starting a new family, and their wedding celebration should reflect that fact, would be a great start.

I’m sure despite our best efforts as a Church, we will not defeat all the bridezillas.  Sadly, there will continue to be weddings that are unfriendly towards guests, especially guests with babies and families.  But we can celebrate those weddings that do not adopt the modern mindset–weddings where everyone is at ease, the guests are treated with respect and love, and the bride and groom throw a party that captures their personalities and highlights their love.  And that’s the type of wedding we attended Saturday night.  Praise God for this great couple, and for a wonderful evening!

I’m hoping B-Mama will add some pictures as I forgot to replace my camera battery.  In honor of the absent JM, I did get this one shot on our walk to the ceremony.

Mr. B-mama and Princeton friend, Matt

Builder Silliness

About a month ago, we had some friends over for a day by our pool, and the next day they sent us a bouquet of sunflowers.  I am not much of a girly girl, but I couldn’t believe how much I enjoyed having those flowers on my mantle that week.  I spent a few days wishing that my husband would spontaneously bring home flowers from time to time, but after I remembered that he shows his love in lots of other ways, I sort of let it go and resigned myself to not having flowers on the mantle.

Then, last week, while I was at the farm stand, I noticed that they had beautiful bouquets there for just $4, zinnias (I think?!) that are grown on the farm where we buy our produce.  I remembered that I buy all sorts of grocery items (croutons for our salads, spices) which are not “practical” but which serve to make our meals more beautiful and appealing, and I decided that flowers for our home fell in to the same grocery category.  I know, I have to over think everything, but that is just how I operate.  So, I bought the flowers.

During the week that I enjoyed these flowers I also really enjoyed the realization that I can tap into a joy which I give to myself.  Flowers say “I love you, you deserve a little beauty in your life, take time to marvel at God’s creation,” and that is something that I need to tell myself on a regular basis, not just wait to hear from other people.

So, in conclusion, I love my husband, he is terrific, but I’ll buy my own flowers.