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I was up bright and early this morning, thanks to a certain adorable 1 month old baby.  Josie awoke for a feeding at 5:45 am, and decided that it was time to be awake for the day.  Since she had just slept for 7 straight hours, I obliged, went to a very early Mass and I’m now catching up on my google reader.  In doing so, I came across this WSJ article, “Why French Parents are Superior,” which I found fascinating.  It captures my parenting philosophy quite well.  The next time someone is the supermarket asks me how I do it, I’m going to say, “my kids sleep, I mean it when I say no, and I’m not a helicopter parent.”  And in all seriousness, if any of those three things were not true, I’d be insane right now.

Brian D. Cohen: Leave Those Kids Alone.

I went to an elementary school where the art work came home beautiful — because the teachers helped us so much!  My kids come home with crappy kid projects from their art classes, but perhaps they are learning more?

Okay, I have hit a parenting wall and I am hoping that some of you will be able to advise me.

My older four children take a swimming lesson every Tuesday afternoon.  In the past, my younger ones have sort of hung out poolside, been a little bit of a discipline problem while waiting or played with other kids who were waiting.  Right now, though, I would also like them to learn to swim.

I didn’t want to come to the pool on a different day for a preschool lesson, so I arranged a private lesson to coincide with the big kid lesson.  For 6 weeks, my boys happily participated in their private lesson.  The cost was substantial, but I figured that they were getting better instruction in a private and I was getting a convenient time slot, so it was worth it.

Gradually, over the last three weeks, my 4 year old has been refusing to participate.  The first week, he wanted to get out early, when about 10 minutes of the lesson remained.  The next week, he refused to get in, and again missed 10 minutes of the 30 minute lesson.  This time, as soon as the instructor came into sight, he buried his head in my lap.  I told him it was time for swimming and he said he “needed Mommy.”  I offered to sit at the side of the pool, but he wouldn’t come out of my lap.  Then, I took him into a private area and told him in strong tone that this was unacceptable and he needed to do his swimming lesson.  At that point, he burst into tears.  I sat him down on a bench and he proceeded to cry for the entire half hour, sometimes kicking the bleachers and sometimes screaming that he wanted to sit in my lap.  The people around me were horrified.  Meanwhile, the 3 year old happily went about his swimming lesson.

At the very end the tantrum stopped and he told his teacher that he would swim next week, but then again in the locker room a few minutes later he told me that he doesn’t want to do swimming lessons anymore.

What do I do?  I can’t make him get in the pool, and I hate the idea of continuing to pay for lessons while he is not participating.  However, if he gets to sit in my lap while the other 5 kids are all in lessons, I feel like he will have won the power struggle?  Plus, I really need him to learn to swim, we have a pool in our backyard.  But maybe I should just give it time? Do I try again next week, or should I just withdraw from the session and get my money back?  Was it just a bad day, combined with the fact that I did let him get out early that time a few weeks ago, and now he is trying to see how far he can take it?

One of the amazing things about this interweb is the way that our use of it seems to be constantly evolving.  I thought I had things figured out pretty well there, for a while, with a blog and my email I was feeling super hip, but these days information is coming at me from so many sources it is hard to keep track of it all — and guess what — I love it!  I know that it is distracting and I have to force myself to put down my phone and look up at my children, but I am really invigorated by the new ideas coming my way.  I subscribe to a few blogs on google reader, but I also see links to blogs and articles on my facebook and twitter accounts.

One downside is that I (we) haven’t found an easy way to share what we are reading with our BC readers.  We are working on it, but in the meantime I click through to something on twitter and think, wow, everyone should read this, but the link never makes it from my mobile-twitter app to my desktop to wordpress.  Oh well, someday you will all be able to read my thoughts electronically, and I won’t have to filter anything.

Speaking of filters, though, more might be good from time to time, and we have been chatting a bit about privacy on our Builders email list (see, even we still have some private conversations).  To that end, you might click over to (one of my favorite blogs) Clover Lane and read what she has to say about Teens and Facebook.  I am always thankful for the mothers who go before us and figure some of this stuff out, since my oldest is only 10.

Next, I have been on the defensive a bit lately, and then I saw this post on the SixSeeds newsletter.  The title “Why I don’t homeschool, and why you shouldn’t either,” got my heart racing and I was ready for a huge fight.  Boy, was I surprised by what this articulate writer had to say.  I will be following her in the future.

Yesterday, someone gave us a brand new board game, Life, which was an extra at their house.  My kids are always dying to play games with me, but I rarely have the patience.  I have been playing a lot of Words with Friends on my phone with my oldest, which is a super fun and stimulating way to pass the time, and we had a rockin game of scrabble last weekend, so I want more game time in the future.  Just this morning, I got this post on my facebook feed, which encouraged me to make it happen.

Lastly, on my kindle reader I am slowly working through The Faith Explained by Fr. Leo Trese.  What an amazing book, I could not recommend it more strongly.  I am thinking about using it for confirmation prep when we get to that point.  This book seems to answer all of the questions that I always had but was too afraid, or inarticulate, to ask about my faith.  I wish that every Catholic would read it before they go to college.

What am I cooking?

Last night I made a Shepherd’s Pie for a dear friend who is in the throes of morning sickness with her seventh pregnancy. I saved enough meat and frozen veggies to make us a family-size one tonight — I will just have to whip up fresh mashed potatoes for the top. I love shepherd’s pie because kids get all the food groups in each bite and the ingredients are toddler-boy-mouth-friendly.

What are my weekend plans?

Our current "baby" at a Polish Pottery Shop

With me at 37.5-weeks pregnant, we are on Grandma-watch. She comes to us as a standby passenger on military cargo planes (free, but highly unpredictable timetables) – so we are never sure exactly the day she will arrive. Fortunately there is a large Air Force Base just an hour from us, so the drive is a cinch. We have zero backup plan for who else will care for the other three kiddos when labor begins, so prayers for St. Christopher’s intercession will be rolling up to heaven from here for the next week or so until she gets here.

What are my prayer intentions for the day?

For some very difficult human/personality issues that are interfering with ministry at our current Army chapel. I am praying to stay out of the fray despite my heavy involvement with (drama-rich) women’s ministry and my “passionate” temperament. We are all made to be like Christ, and he dealt with everyone with love – man I have such a long way to go.

What can my children do instead of watching TV?

Laundry baskets and bungee cords occupy an insane amount of my 4 and 2 year old sons’ time in these indoor, nasty German days. I have three laundry baskets – 2 which nest and one smaller. They get turned into cages, boats, forts, train carts. The bungee cords are the real “Daddy ones” that have metal hooks on the end and my mom is always horrified that I allow them to play with them (“they’ll put their eye out”), but she isn’t here yet, so we press on homeschooling at the kitchen table while laundry basket boats get pushed by with happy giggling brothers in them.

What have I done for my marriage this week?

Been positive and flexible about the possibilities for our next duty assignment. We are due to leave Germany this summer, so now is the time when my husband has daily talks with the Pentagon to see where we will go next. He is very concerned that we will be happy at the new spot and that he will avoid any unnecessarily long deployment, but I am trying to ensure that he also keeps his own job satisfaction in mind while deciding. I really feel that way too.

What am I reading?

I just finished The Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood. I am mildly enamored of her since reading The Handmaid’s Tale in college, but as an older, married woman I think I have decided that she doesn’t believe men and women can have fulfilling relationships – at least none of her characters ever do. So, I might steer away from her for awhile. I am now reading The Forgotten Garden by Kate Morton because I saw it on a Mom blog. It is way lighter and set in Australia, which is a first for me. I didn’t realize how Britishy customs are there, I guess I should have figured. Good book so far.

What’s challenging me lately?

As mentioned above, I think I am too embroiled in Parish life at our chapel. Being an Army wife typically gives one the freedom to break ties and start anew every three years or so, but we have now been here longer than that. During that time I have worked hard to build a vibrant program for stay-at-home-moms who want to grow in their faith, we have weekly Scripture study and monthly guest speakers. But Satan has really been attacking the group this year. I am torn between wanting to pull out entirely for my own (and my family’s) mental health, or “sticking it out” for the sake of the other women whom I have come to treasure as dear friends.

Something that made me think?

Yesterday’s Mass readings – for the feast of the Conversion of Saint Paul – mentioned how Ananais cures Paul’s blindness when he arrives in Damascus. I couldn’t help but think of all the areas in my spiritual and intellectual life where I am blind.  God is continually placing my own Ananaiss in my life.  These friends, and even my husband speak great truths to me, I just need to pray for the humility to hear what they say with openness of heart.

In the Heart of my Home: Our Disney Trip: Organized Packing and Playing in the Van.

I recommend the link above, if you are constantly planning/dreaming a disney trip in your head, as I am, but more importantly for some practical tips that apply to any family travel.
When I took 4-under-3 to disney, and I knew that I would care how they looked in pictures, I put each outfit into a gallon ziplock.  This way, they could grab a bag from their tote bag and bring it to mom, dad, or grandparent and be dressed in a flash, no digging through the bag for the matching shirt.  This extra, OCD step was a big help.

These days, we often use packing lists, which allow the older children to do a decent job of packing for themselves.  Usually, I write a check list on the white board and put their bags in the kitchen, and they have to come past me as they put things in so that I can keep an eye on it.

The one big tip I will take away from Elizabeth’s article is a “just in case” (motion sickness) bag for the car.  We spend 3 hours in the car on Friday and Sunday nights, and while I am very lucky to have kids who are not usually car sick, we have had a random stomach flu hit us in the car — yuck!  A kit like the one she describes would have come in handy many times already, and I am going to set one up to keep in our car all the time.

Lastly, as we are frequent weekend travellers and I load up on my own, picking Dad up at the train along the way, having an LL Bean tote bag with each child’s name on it has been huge for us — they know which is their bag and now on weekends they are responsible for putting it in the car as they get in and taking it out when we arrive.  Small steps towards self sufficiency lighten mama’s load quite a bit.

I do still need a better plan for the stuff that the kids use while in the car, it winds up all over the floor of the car and stepped on and ruined by muddy boots.  I was thinking of putting in those organizers on the seat in front of you with pockets to hold some things?  Any suggestions would be welcome.

I had an unexpected, serendipitous pro-life, pro-family conversation with my oldest daughter.  We’ve been working on baby books and talking a lot about babies and pregnancy (and G attending Josie’s birth, which has led to LOTS of questions about Labor and Delivery).  My daughter said “having a baby seems really hard, is it worth it?”  I looked right at her and spoke from the heart “I carried you, was that worth it?”

She gave me a big smile and a hug and we both had a lot more to think about.  A pregnancy, a new baby, with all of the difficulties, it is a life, it is a person.  One of the things that does get easier if you are able to have several children is the understanding, as they get older, of how very “worth it” any sacrifices may be, in fact how minor even large sacrifices seem when compared to a life.

I had my first four children in 3 years.  I loved them, and sometimes loved the intensity of it all, but it was impossible for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel, that they would gradually turn into people who could play scrabble and (mostly) find their own shoes.  For a while I was very, very angry at people who encouraged me to be open to having more children.  My life was so, so hard I was barely surviving.  Then, gradually, things began to ease up.  By the time all of the “older 4″ were over 3, I could see room for another baby.  We took a leap of faith and plunged ourselves back into the exhausting hardness by having two children within another year.  When I get up in the night or change a diaper or hear about Lego creations ad nauseum, I tell myself, this will not be forever.  When I gather by the fire to read Little House or snuggle someone who still fits in the crook of my arm and smells like lavender, I tell myself, this will not be forever.

Perhaps this is an addendum to my previous post, but I have to say once again that I don’t find any of this easy, I don’t find it easier to be so busy I don’t have time to think, to be exhausted day after day.  I have “easy” pregnancies, I throw up non-stop for 6 weeks, can’t get out of bed, but after that I am fine until the last month or so, when I am too huge to move much, but so excited that I don’t care.  This is one of the things that I tell people who ask about my family size, because it is much more heroic for women who have really hard pregnancies.

The things that have changed inside me between having one child (or four) and now are mostly my understanding of personal sanctification and my understanding of the absolute wonder of these individual people who are born into my life, both of which make the sacrifices of family life so much more worth it.

This article about family size has been getting a lot of comments and has appeared in my inbox from several sources.  I have to admit that I haven’t even read the entire thing, nor any of the comments, because I had a sense that it would hit a raw nerve with some people.

I have been thinking and praying a lot about the subject of family size, though, because I am at a new volunteer position where a lot of women are learning that I have six children and responding with an interesting combination of shock and awe.  Most of the comments I get in this particular (pro-family) environment are positive, in a way, people have asked me where I hide my halo, why I look so calm and well rested, and of course I have heard the comment which begins the NC Register article, I have such a hard time with just 1 (or 2, 3, even 4)!

I agree with Simcha Fisher, in a lot of ways my life is easier now, with six children, than it was when I was the 23 year old, newlywed, mother of just 1.  I have learned how to parent, and my husband and I have a stronger relationship, so that makes things easier.  I don’t have a nursing baby at the moment, and that makes things way easier.  All of my children are potty trained and they mostly sleep through the night.  I have a system for laundry that I didn’t have then, and a little bit of household help so I can get out from time to time, and more friends who are mothers.

However, most of these things would be true, 10 years later, whether or not I had 5 children in between, and while I am extremely satisfied with my life, I have no doubt that it would be much easier if I only had one 10 year old, or even just the 10 and 9 year olds.  I would have less laundry, they would be in school all day, I could afford a vacation to take my family on an airplane and a trip to the grocery store would only require one cart.  I will join the mothers of 1,2, and 3 and say that even with 6, I don’t know how a mother of 9 does it.  I pray that I get the chance to find out!

There is a lot that is still very, very difficult about having a large family.  It is more or less difficult in different ways for different families.  The chances of a child with special needs is higher.  Only having a brief break between pregnancy and nursing is hard.  Going in to survival mode when 8 people have the stomach flu is hard.  Finding a babysitter who is willing and capable of caring for 6 children is hard.  Making time to meet each of their emotional needs and adjust to their varied temperaments is hard.

The reason that we were created, stated very simply in the Baltimore Catechism, is to know, love and serve God in this life and live with Him in the next.  Our goal is not to find the easiest way to get through life.  What a sad, lazy goal that would be.

We don’t need to try to convince the secular world that having a large family is easy, because it’s not true, but a better argument is that easy isn’t the goal.  We need to work hard to convince young women and men of the next generation that life is worth the struggle.  A life that is hard doesn’t have to be miserable.  It is the struggle to do what you are supposed to do, when you are supposed to do it, cheerfully and with a generous spirit.  This struggle is present for all Christians, regardless of family size or vocation, and it is in this struggle that we are sanctified.

Saw this quote from a friend and loved it…

Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says “oh crap, she’s up!”

10 years ago, when my first child was a baby, I was introduced to Creative Memories scrapbooking, and I had a wonderful time putting together his baby album, one or two pages a month throughout his first two years.  I was able to keep up the creative work for my second child, and she too has gorgeous, personal albums to chronicle her early days.  After the twins were born, I hit a wall, I didn’t have time, and the process became something I had to do, or planned to do, rather than a relaxing way to spend an evening.  I got far behind, overwhelmed by paper and sticker choices, and I finally just sort of gave up.

My twins have albums which begin when they are born and go up to their trip home from the hospital, two days later.  When I cleaned out my closet last month I finally threw away the rest of the matching papers and stickers for those albums — that seven year old project is just not going to happen, it is taking up mental and physical space in my life, and I need to find another way to get it done.

As I have mentioned before, Leo has asked about his baby book (or rather, lack thereof).  My pictures are all stored in Picasa, so I thought that making an album using that software would make sense, until I realized that I really don’t have the time or patience to learn another process.  After some quick online research about print quality, I decided to do a super easy album with Shutterfly.  I spent three evenings sorting pictures (my Picasa albums are by year, so I just pulled “best of Leo” from each year.  I loaded the pictures to shutterfly and over the last two nights I have created the album.  I used some of the “custom” features, but mostly I just plugged in pictures to pre-existing baby boy layouts, forcing myself to keep it simple and to stop at a reasonable time each night to go to bed.

The first year, from Leo’s birth to his first birthday (when he was already a big brother!) is complete, and this morning I proofread, entered some coupon codes and ordered it.

The key, for me, was that anytime I started to agonize about which picture or background to use, or get sad when just one picture of his baptism didn’t fit on the layout, I remembered that he would never see the work in progress, never know about the cute embellishments I didn’t add or the special font I didn’t upload.  For Leo, the book will arrive complete and perfect as it is.

Since a computer printed book seems a bit impersonal to me, I also plan to write Leo a letter to put in the last page of his book, telling some things about his first year, the sorts of things that I chronicled in scrabook journaling for the other children.

Now that I know that this process can be simplified, I hope to do another album for Leo’s toddler years and also do Jimmy’s baby album over the next few months.  After that, I will start over with John and Mary and do digital albums for them.  This seems like a perfect playoff-football activity for me.

The point of these albums is not that they be perfect works of art or graphic design, it is the time that I will spend sitting on the couch with a child, telling them stories of their childhood and letting them see and feel how much I treasure each of them individually.  Years from now, it is that same time that they will spend showing these same pictures to their spouses and children.  I remember being engaged when Len showed me old Christmas pictures of his family, how I treasured that as I was trying to get to know and understand everything about him.

Those pictures are in 1980′s velveteen albums with browning adhesive, but they are perfect snapshots in time, they inspire conversation and draw happy memories to the surface, and I hope that my simple albums will do the same.